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Lunch Break!

April 10, 2007

100 PostsWith 100 posts stuffed safely beneath our burgeoning belts, we’ve pulled off the hard-hats, set aside the protective eye-wear, taken off the sweaty leather gloves, and sat ourselves down under the shade tree for sandwiches and a tall glass of icy lemonade. It’s a great time to spin some yarns and tell a few tales!

We’ll get back to work in a bit… after we’ve polished off the lunch mom sent. Meanwhile, in commemoration of the JACKHAMMER 100th, we’re inviting you to a little contest. Pull up a seat under the shade tree, and let’s have a short-story/fable/parable contest. When the dust settles some day, we’ll declare us a winner.

So get those creative juices flowing, and give us your best shot. Don’t be shyin’ away now. You know you want to. I’ll put in my contribution(s) in a bit…

Categories: Jack Hammer
  1. April 16, 2007 at 8:32 am

    Here are the rules for storytelling:

    1) Must be original, or an original paraphrase of a familiar story (such as an Aesop’s fable)

    2) Should not be more than 150 words (we’ll bend the rule IF the story is decent).

    3) Should have some kind of moral, hidden or unhidden.

    4) Can be humorous or serious, or seriously humorous, or humorously serious.

  2. April 16, 2007 at 8:42 am

    Once upon a time, a rather large man grew concerned about his weight, and in his concern, made his way to the local bookstore in search of a dieting book. In short order, he selected the book that would help him, purchased the book at the counter, squeezed into the driver’s seat of his Geo, navigated the streets to his house, and settled down into his easy chair for a pleasant afternoon of reading.

    Fifty pounds later, said man once again returned to said bookstore, once again looked for a diet book, this time one that would actually work. Said man selected a book, paid for it, and once again settled down for some quality reading.

    Maybe it was the snacks he consumed in the process of reading the book. Maybe it was the twelve pack of Diet Soda that he consumed while in his easy chair. Maybe it was the “between dieting diversions.” But whatever it was, another twenty-five pounds later, the same man went to the same bookstore, to the same section, to choose himself the same kind of book, which he purchased at the same counter with the same credit card, drove home in the same Geo, sat in the same easy chair, and… you guessed it, ended with the same result.

    The poor man tried Jenny Craig, Weight-watchers, the Fatkins Diet, Food for Life, Mr. Fatty’s Tummy Tucker, and every other fad diet he could find. He purchased Aerobics courses, videos, and equipment. He tried power walks, power diets, power drives, and power naps.

    Fifty more pounds later, he was at his wits end. He had read every book, tried every diet, joined every excercise club, but to no avail. He had watched his calory intake, his sugars, his carbs, his crabs, his fat, his saturated fat, his polysaturated fat, his polyunsaturated fat, his calories, and his waistline. But it was all no use.

    Finally, downhearted and discouraged, our man discovered the answer he had been looking for. Having tried everything else, and having failed miserably, he finally found relief. Finally, his years of searching were over. Finally, he was able to settle down and begin living life again. Finally.

    The answer, you ask? Well, one day in a bookstore, in the diet section no less, our man found the book, THE book that he had been looking for. It was tucked away on the bottom shelf, which was why he struggled so hard to find it. But find it he did. He purchased it, drove it home, squeezed himself into his easy chair, where he spent some quality time with the book that solved all his problems: Embrace Your Fat Self! He embraced it.

  3. Dave Mallinak
    April 19, 2007 at 10:03 am

    The Prodigal Father

    A certain man had two sons: and the younger of them said to his father, “Father, give me the portion of goods that falleth to me.” And he divided unto them his living. And not many days after the younger son gathered all together, and took his journey into a far country, and there wasted his substance with riotous living.

    And it came to pass that at this time, the father began to feel bad about his younger son. After all, the father felt that he had not spent enough time with his younger son, and besides, his younger son had suffered much at the hands of his mother. The father began to make excuses for his son, and decided to make up for his own failures by doing now what he should have done when his son was younger.

    And so, while the younger son wasted his substance with riotous living, this certain man made sure that he had plenty of food, clothing, and health care, all supplied regularly, abundantly, and automatically. This certain man brought his younger son over to the house for holidays and for any time he wanted to come. This certain man took his younger son shopping and took him out for lunch, and in general pampered him, coddled him, and favored him. And so, while the younger son wasted his substance with riotous living, this certain man ensured that his substance was renewed day-by-day.

    The younger son never did begin to be in want. He never needed to go and join himself to a citizen of that country. He never went into the fields to feed swine. Not once would he fain have filled his belly with the husks that the swine did eat. And, he never did come to himself or say to his father, “Father, I have sinned against heaven, and before thee, and am no more worthy to be called thy son: make me as one of thy hired servants.”

    But at least this certain man still had a relationship with his wayward son.

  4. Pastor Travis Burke
    April 21, 2007 at 6:18 pm

    There once was a man who lived down the street
    Dirty and Rotten from head down to feet.
    Each day he would sit on his old wooden porch
    At 5 o’clock each day in the shadow of the church.
    He’d stare and he’d scorn when he saw the church folk
    “There’s nut’n in there, ‘cept cry’n and sulk.”
    Each mother would hush and turn little heads
    Each dad would glare back as if they wished he were dead!
    But all that then did was push the man more
    Until finally he’d curse, storm in, slam the door.
    The preacher would use the familiar illustration
    To show the world’s hate and own sinful nature.
    He’d use him to get the saints to sing louder
    So “our neighbor would hear of God and His power!”
    This scene, it lived on for nearly a decade
    Till the grand news of the man and he on his death bed.
    “Finally” said deacon “we can get a good neighbor;
    why maybe even buy, and add us an acre!”
    When news of his death spread throughout the church
    One could obviously see relief and revenge, but only at first.
    For it was then that a Spirit led and prayed up pastor
    Stood up and said, “It is us, the disaster.
    For in all these ten years, while we sang, gave, and served;
    We shunned, scowered, and stared; but never the nerve
    To see of his soul and it’s eternal destination.
    It’s us that are dirty and rotten in my estimation.”
    In this age that we live, what a typical scene,
    But may it never be us, who are rotten and mean!

  5. April 25, 2007 at 9:10 pm

    A few years back there was a successful pastor out east. He had a wonderful family, a thriving church; and everything seemed to be going well for the man. One night his children were driving home and there was a terrible accident under what seemed like suspicious circumstances. All of them were killed. To add to his grief, people in the church started to talk, and people he thought were his friends said unkind things, but the man kept his faith in God. As the news spread about the accident, rumors spread through the church, and the people began to condemn the pastor and finally ran him out of the church. He had lost his children and also lost his church. No one thought of him as a successful pastor anymore. His pastor friends began to wonder amongst themselves what the man had done to deserve this punishment from the Lord. Shortly after these events, the man began to experience physical pain. He went to the doctor and found out that his illness was one very difficult to treat and one that sent continuous pain. Everyone was talking now. Some even went to the pastor himself and told him how he must have sin somewhere in his life and it was time to confess to God. Even his wife didn’t know how to help and said things that would have sent any of us into despair. Somehow the man kept his chin up. . .

  6. Bobby Mitchell
    April 26, 2007 at 5:56 am

    I think I read this somewhere else, Jeff. Good application of it.

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