KJVO’s, Greek Studies, and Pepperoni Pizza

You’d have a hard time ordering in a Greek restaurant with the “Koine Greek.”

— Stephen Carter, Co-Pastor, Landmark Baptist Church, Haines City, Florida

The English-Only Preservationists want us to know that we couldn’t order a pepperoni pizza at Domino’s Pizza using the Koine Greek.   In fact, one preacher, in making this very point, asked for those to stand up who had studied the Biblical Greek.  When one poor, misguided soul had the audacity to stand, this pastor proceeded to ask him, “could you tell me how to order a pepperoni pizza in Koine Greek?”  And we have no doubt that the awkwardness of the resultant silence clarified the issue to said audience perfectly.  We don’t want no Bible in no language that we can’t order no pizza in.  Grunt.  Snort.  Snigger.

And they tell me that attendees were divided as to which happened faster, the Bible tucked high and tite under the preacher’s armpit, or the smug look that plastered itself to the preacher’s face.

And some say that the offending delegate was later overheard muttering “A pepperoni! A pepperoni! My argument for a slice of pepperoni!”

Of course, when they couch the argument in such powerful terms, one can easily see why English-Only Preservationists are winning the day in such astonishing ways.  Why, how does one effectively counter such rigorous reasoning?  Those of us who believe that God actually preserved the Very Words he gave are left befuddled and confused at how to answer such logic.  After all, we had never thought of that ourselves.  They taught us to anticipate the opponents argument, and we must confess that we overlooked it altogether.  We confess, we can’t order a pepperoni pizza in Greek.  And all of a sudden, all our arguments have come crumbling down around our ears, big gooey globs of sauce and melted cheese all over our foreheads.  It runs down upon the beard, even our very own beard, and went to the skirts of our garment.  Leaving behind a trail of tomato sauce and oregano.

After all, consider the ramifications if we can’t order a pepperoni pizza in Koine Greek.  Obviously then, God didn’t preserve the Greek words.  Obviously, God’s Words are only in English, since that is the only language available to me when I order a pepperoni pizza.  Of course, I haven’t stopped to look at how one might order a pepperoni pizza in the King’s English, especially considering that the name “pizza” doesn’t appear in the Sacred Record, or, for that matter, in the English Language until sometime in the 1800’s.  But I assume that since I can order a pizza in English, the Bible must only be preserved in English.  Obviously, I need to stop studying Greek, since it is such a useless language.  After all, I would have a hard time ordering in a Greek restaurant with the “Koine Greek.”  Of course, I would have a hard time ordering in a Greek restaurant in English too, especially if they only speak Greek.  But again, that is beside the point.  Obviously the so-called scholars don’t really know the languages they so often herald.  And that is obvious because they couldn’t order a pepperoni pizza in Greek.

Now, Knock it Off, Please

The ability to order a pepperoni pizza in Greek, or to order food in a Greek restaurant has as much to do with the issue as the length of your middle toe.  For a person to argue that since we can’t order food in the Biblical language, therefore that Biblical language is useless, and (worse yet) God has not preserved those Greek and Hebrew words is sheer lunacy.  One might as well argue that the Greek is useless because I was born with an innie instead of an outie.  Really, folks, your argument is silly.

God promised to preserve the Words He gave.  God gave the Bible in Greek and Hebrew.  The fact that the Koine Greek is no longer in common usage does not undo the fact that God kept this promise.  We have God’s Words, in Hebrew and in Greek.  You can buy a copy for yourself.  I bought my Greek New Testament for just a little over $12 U.S.  Send me an e-mail, and I’ll help you find one.  They somehow manage to still be around.  Probably just a coincidence.  Or perhaps a “Providential” coincidence.  Either way, we’re assuming that this has to do with a little promise God made about His Words, something about heaven and earth passing away, but God’s Words not passing away.

Nor should the fact that you can’t use the Greek language in any sort of utilitarian way in this modern era discourage you from studying the Greek language.  No, you won’t be able to give directions to your house in Koine Greek.  You won’t be able to discuss politics with your co-workers in Koine Greek.  And you won’t be able to do the play-by-play on Monday Night Football in Koine Greek.  But that isn’t the point.  The point is to study the Words God gave, so that we can better understand the sense in which the particular English words of our King James Bible are used.  That is a worthwhile goal — imagine, gaining a better understanding of the Bible by (gasp!) studying. English-Only Preservationists should give study a shot.  It might help them loosen the hayseed that’s been wedged there between their incisors.

Now, you should be warned ahead of time — you won’t be able to order a pizza out of the Bible.  Not sure that God had it in mind that you should be able to in the first place.  But then, we don’t want you to be gettin’ any false impressions.  Your Greek New Testament won’t do your laundry either.  But that doesn’t undo the fact that God has preserved His Words — the very Words of God, in the very Words that were given.

So, wipe that silly smirk off your face, and try to use a little common sense here.  When you deny preservation in the name of the King James Bible, you undo the King James Bible.